Who do WE need to be when our kid is anxious?
When we discover our kid has anxiety we often focus on THEM and eradicating THE ANXIETY. It’s usually not a one step solution and sometimes we can effect them more by US changing, then by us coaching THEM to change. Here are some tips, tidbits and things to consider.
1. Work towards being a non-anxious presence. Easier said than done, AND worth the effort. Want details?! Read the Self-Driven Child, Chapter 4 - “The Non Anxious Presence”. Here’s a choice quote, “When we can be a non-anxious presence for our children, we do a world of good-just by not freaking out.” In a nutshell we can be enjoying our kids (instead of fixing them up and improving them), remembering that worry is not love and fearing the future does not keep us (or our kids) safe, commit to our own stress management (see #4), practice a nonjudgmental acceptance (and this is truly a practice - over and over we will need to keep practicing nonjudgmental acceptance).
2. Be alert, but not alarmed. Our kids will experience anxiety the rest of their lives. Being aware, gentle, compassionate is very different then swooping in, solving, convincing, explaining.
3. Play up playfulness. Children (and frankly, most adults) respond to fun rather than commands/suggestions. Have you ever tried role playing stressful situations? Leaving play dates used to be a big drama in our family, I decided to give role playing that very scenario. Me and my two boys spent some time taking turns being the parent and the kid leaving a playdate. We had some good laughs and got insights into each others troubles. We significantly decreased the drama (we did not eradicate it - realistic expectations keep the stress levels lower).
4. Work on the basics. Sleep, food and movement. Anxiety creates physical symptoms that we can exacerbate with staying up too late, sugar, caffeine, processed foods, and too much sitting. The physical symptoms decrease and diminish (they do not disappear) when we create firm guard rails around sleeping, eating mostly whole foods at regular times, and moving our bodies - walking, fresh air and sunshine help.
5. Seek and accept help. Remember, we want our kids to have the skills to live with joy and resilience. Asking for help, going to a therapist, talking to a counselor, reading self-help books are tools that can last a life time.